I believe

Often, my inner-self talk is really harsh. And often, I don't even realize how hard it is on me. I think it's so easy to forget our inherent self-worth, and when I do, I'm left grappling for other's praise and being a big grump to everyone until I find that inner knowing again. In an effort to really allow that feeling to stay and permeate all aspects of my life, I've been trying to work on thinking and then believing thoughts that I know are true, and even if they aren't now, that I WANT to be true in the not so distant future. Here are some of them:

I love who I am and am confident that I am worthy of being loved just as I am.

My accomplishments have no weight in my worthiness.

I find great joy in being a mom and and I am a happy and kind mother to my kids.

I can do anything God asks of me.

I love my every day life. Even in its simplicity, it is a life I have chosen and would choose again and again because I know I am doing God's work.

I am a beacon of light. 

I help others feel loved and appreciated just as they are.

I am a daughter of God and am of infinite worth to Him.

My body is a tool to do God's work.

What I look like has no weight or bearing on my worth.

Creating loving and Christ-centered relationships is my biggest priority in life.

Each day is a gift and I live each day as such.

summer is upon us

 It is 5 pm as I sit here in our beautifully renovated kitchen and the breeze is blowing through the open window over the sink and I can hear all the little kids playing in the backyard. This all feels pretty idyllic and I keep having to pinch myself that we found this place at the time that we did. My kids are so happy. Friends abound, the yard is huge, and school is coming to an end. Being fenceless gives me a bit of anxiety as I'm sure Hannah will be scooped up by some predator at any moment (insert eye roll), because I am just that crazy helicopter mom that I can't help but be. It's just who I am. But I'm trying to be better and give a little slack in the reins when it comes to my kids, but it ain't easy for this mama bear.

Robert and I have a tendency to just sit at the dinner table after the kids have all scattered off to the backyard to sit and chat, and lately...dream. On a whim Robert asked me what I thought about going to Costa Rica for a month as a family. My adventure-loving heart gave a solid yes, but I was a bit trepidatious for two reasons: our yard/house and Covid. Getting there shouldn't be too bad and Robert and I have both been vaccinated so I'm not too concerned about contracting it, but I'm mostly nervous about the negative test we have to get before we return to the U.S. We may actually get stuck there for the whole summer, which wouldn't be the worst thing, but the Adseros come in July and I'd be so sad to miss them. In any case, after lots of thought after that conversation we bit the bullet and bought tickets!!! We are going to Costa Rica for a MONTH! We leave June 5 and return July 3. The one caveat is that Hannah needed a passport so we quickly applied for one, but even with expediting it we may be cutting it close. I'm praying and crossing all my fingers and toes it's here before June 5! Luckily, because of Covid, Costa Rica requires we buy trip insurance, so even if we have to change things around a bit, hopefully we won't be out too much money. I am looking forward to this trip so much! I think it is going to be so magical for our family. I mean, hello, there are going to be one million fights and so many bumps along the way, but I can't wait for all the adventures and moments we will have together!

And with all that being said, I, Laura Ann Mecham Collard, have not been the person I want to be lately. I am a grump. I am no fun and honestly, I feel like I've kind of lost sight of who I am and who I want to be for my kids. I think I have become a bit self-centered, and part of that comes from really caring about my diet and exercise too much, I think. I decided to do a bit of a "cut", and every time I do this I feel like I focus so much on what food I'm going to eat next or how I'm going to get my workout in that I can't really be totally present (or pleasant) in my life. I love feeling good and I love feeling fit, and I know there is a healthy balance and I'm determined to find it. I cannot be like this in Costa Rica. In fact, my goal for Costa Rica, and really starting right now, is to be the fun, happy, silly and affectionate mom (and wife) that I long to be. I want to be present. I want to be in the moments. I am so grateful for my body and all that it allows me to do. It is such a gift and I have a deep belief that I am absolutely perfect just as I am. My kids don't care what size I am or what I look like. They just need ME. The best and happiest version of me. And I can give them that. And I want to give myself that. Sometimes I feel trapped in my own life, meeting so many needs and feeling so depleted. Having goals, both aesthetic and otherwise, help me feel excited and valued in a different way than motherhood does. But when the pendulum swings too far in one direction, I lose some of the parts of me that I love. Yet here I am, ready to love my body for all that it is, in any condition it comes, but at the same time ready to take care of it while ALSO being myself and enjoying life and being available and happy for my people. It is a balance I want to find so desperately, and I'm hoping this summer I will find it in the way that feels good and right and lasting. Does this make any sense? I've just been typing and typing and not reading a bit of my writing, but it feels so good to put my fingers on these keys and say whatever is in my heart. I have really neglected my journal and writing in general and it is such a part of who I am. Do I say this every time? That I miss writing when I don't do it? Because I do. I really do.

I love the idea that we control our thoughts, and that in being able to control our thoughts, we also control our feelings. I have, at any given moment, any feeling I want to feel in the thoughts I choose to think. I think lately I have let negative thoughts swirl around deeply in my heart and as they surface again and again the resentful and angry part of me snaps a bit and I become the mom and wife I really don't want to be. But I want to choose the good thoughts. I want to remember that this is the life I chose and this is STILL the life I would choose over and over. If I quit it all, I would immediately want it all back. I feel grateful to be able to cook meals for my family, to live in and clean this beautiful home, to do loads and loads of laundry each week for these people I love. I think the way we frame the way we see our life makes all the difference. I also believe that I have the power to make the mundane fun, and I'm going to keep trying. Every. Single. Day. Because this is my one wild and precious life and it is in all of these seemingly insignificant moments that life is made. I am living it now, sitting at this kitchen island, listening to Hannah read to herself. It is a gift, and I'm going to try to see it that way and to find the magic in the small things.

It is Friday and Robert and I are going to get sushi tonight and likely watch a bit of Survivor. I can't quit that show, man. The kids will likely all request late nights with their friends and Saturday will be busy with a million things in the yard and a t-ball game for Will and grocery shopping but it will be glorious and simple and just the way it should be. What a gift this simple life is!

really quick

We are at the tail end of our renovation right now and I feel like I constantly have a million things on my mind and a running laundry list on my phone of things to do. I feel like there are a lot of things I CAN do, but there are also a lot of things that are out of my control, and it turns out I am a bit of a control freak. I have been trying to do a lot of thought work in my own little noggin trying to let myself release the stress that comes from things out of my control, but it isn't easy and I often end up not being able to sleep because of all the thoughts running through my head. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and then once I finally did, William came in after having a nightmare at 3 AM and after snuggling for a bit he walked himself back into his room, but then I couldn't fall back so sleep...for the rest of the night. I have been dragging all day and it's already 10:30 PM and I should be going to bed right now, but Robert is at the house re-taping off the floors with painters tape because the painters taped them with masking tape, which will apparently pull off the stain. In any case, Robert may actually be even more of a head case than I am when it comes to all of this, but somehow when his head hits the pillow he just konks right out, lucky soul.

I feel incredibly grateful that we get to do this remodel and that we have found a home and a neighborhood that we truly love and feel so, so good about. Right now the house is seriously stressing me out, but at the same time, every time I'm there I feel completely certain that is where we are meant to be. I feel sad leaving our sweet little starter home. I love this place so much. But I am SO excited for more space. I want to let go of worry. I feel like I let fear and other emotions that don't serve me really take over my mind and it feels unnecessarily heavy sometimes. So right now I'm choosing to feel joy. I feel joy because we get to make this new house a home that we really love, and I also know that it is a gift to be able to do so. I also know that things that feel stressful at this very moment will one day be a distant memory, so rather than worry, I should let myself sleep and then get to work in the morning. Night has always been a bit of a trigger for me in the anxiety and worry department, especially at certain times in my life. I think that's the case for a lot of people. Instead of scrolling my phone I am going to read my scriptures, talk to Heavenly Father in prayer, and peacefully end my day waiting to hear what He has to tell me. I feel so peaceful after I read my scriptures and after sort of neglecting my personal scripture study lately, that peace that comes has felt so evident to me the last week or so that I've really made a concerted effort to read them. It feels so good.

in the thick of it

We are knee-deep in our renovation right now and Robert actually stayed at the house last night until the wee hours of the morning to try and fix our subfloor before the new wood flooring gets put in on Monday. Yesterday as Halloween and although it was a very strange year because of dang Covid, we went trick-or-treating to just a few houses (social distancing style) and then spent the evening at Nick and Megan's as usual for chili and games. My parents didn't come because my mom isn't feeling well (praying it's not Covid) and Julia and Pete only came for a bit. It felt so weird, but I'm glad we were able to make a fun day out of it in spite of the situation.

Fixing up the house has been just as time consuming and overwhelming as I kind of expected it would be. There are always bumps in the road and it feels like one thing after the next comes up and you kind of just have to take it in stride and try to come up with creative solutions. It has made both me and Robert a little stressed out but I'm praying we just love how it all comes together and feel like it was absolutely worth it. I think it will be. Overall it has been fun, and I truly love making decisions and the magic of envisioning it and then actually physically seeing it come together. I mean, I'm kind of still in the envisioning stage because we are pretty much at the bare bones of the house right now (kitchen, floors, trim, carpet, and railings are all gone and the wallpaper is coming down) and in the next two or three weeks it will all be getting put back together, hopefully in time for us to move in.

We decided to actually sell our house rather than rent it because hello, we can barely keep up one house let alone two. The market is also so insane right now and the equity we have in our house would be so amazing to be able to put toward the renovation as well as the money we owe on the new house. We held an open house a few weeks ago and the next day found out we'd received TEN offers, all over asking price! We'd listed for $350k and the offer we accepted was $390k. I'm going to be shocked if our house actually appraises for that much! We've had the inspection and are waiting on the appraisal and are due to close November 19. I think we will move into the new house November 14 but I'm doubtful we will have a kitchen by then. I really wanted to go to Houston for Thanksgiving but the timeline is a little tight. We'll see how it all shakes out. We will likely have to drive if we want to go because the decision is going to be so last minute.

I have been feeling a really strong desire to better connect with God the last few weeks. I feel like I get into the routine and daily tasks of life and forget to center myself and to really check in spiritually in the ways I have in the past. I really want to find time and space to be more still and slow and to be quiet enough to feel and hear His will. For me, part of really deciphering how I feel and perhaps what He wants me to do comes in writing. I haven't been good at writing my thoughts down lately and I know it comes at a cost. Truly, it's been the little things that I've neglected that have resulted in my feeling a bit disconnected from God. I know it is all in my power to mend the connection and it comes in the small daily acts, like sincere prayer, time in quiet, scripture study and acting on promptings to do service that I will feel him more abundantly in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing a good job really hearing Him, but when I think about it I feel like finding this house was all an answer to prayer and acting upon the no's and yes's I felt in my heart from Him. Nothing we saw felt right until, suddenly something did. And even then, when we initially put in the offer on the house, I still wasn't sure it was the right thing to do, but I knew we had to take a step into the dark and then God would either light the path or give us a solid NO if it wasn't right. So...we kept moving forward, and with each step things just felt good, and so we proceeded to the next. For me, that is often how I see God in my life. I take a step and He either fills me with peace or holds me back, but I have to take the step on my own to know what He wants.

My heart is filled with gratitude for life right now. I just feel happy, even amidst so much chaos and a world that feels so heavy and angry, I still feel this overwhelming amount of gratitude and peace for the life we have. With the pandemic surging, presidential elections coming up Tuesday and a very politically polarized society, my heart feels heavy when I listen to the news or just hear President Trump speak in general, and I pray he's ousted even though Biden may not be the answer. But overall, I know God is in charge. I know we will be ok. I know that I have power to create peace and calm and a home filled with the spirit right where I am. My sphere of influence can be big, even in the simple things I do. My hope with my home, especially this new home, is to create a space where there is love felt right when you walk in the door. I want it to be peaceful. I want it to be joyful and clean and calm (as clean and calm as is possible with four young kids). I want it to be a place where people feel welcome and loved and where the door is always open and there is always a seat at the table for whoever needs it. I think the space to have people in this new home is one of the things that excites me the most, and I am hopeful this pandemic comes to an end soon so we can feel more comfortable doing so. I want God to be a huge part of my making a home, of my motherhood and of the friend I am to others. That is so much of why I want to connect to Him. I want to be more aware of what He needs me to do and who He needs me to reach out to and serve. I haven't been the most peaceful or joyful or loving mother. Honestly, that's what I feel like I'm writing in my journal every single time I write and I hate that I'm not feeling better about it, because that is the most important thing to me in this entire world. My relationship with my kids means everything to me, and right now I just feel like I'm a nagging, judgmental mom and I really don't want to be. I want to be peaceful and loving and slow to anger. I am sure that the more I try to do better at those small, simple acts of connecting with God each day that I'll do a little better. I usually do. In general, it all still feels hard. I am short tempered and often raise my voice or say something snarky to the kids, and then I'm mad at myself for doing so and then I act even more angry and snarky because I'm mad at myself. Oy, it's a vicious cycle and I need to nip it in the bud. Jesus, take the wheel! I need Him so much in my life. I am so grateful for His grace and His love and I'm grateful for God's forgiveness and mercy. I need it so desperately. 

the winds are a changin'

This last week has been a doozy in about one million ways. We went to go see a house in a neighborhood we love in Bountiful last Friday. Robert had found it on Zillow a day or two before and both of us were really excited about it. When we pulled up and walked in, I had a really good feeling, but as I walked through the whole thing I became incredibly overwhelmed with all that needed to be done to update it. It had lots of potential but I just wasn't sure we were up for the task of catching it up with this century. There's a giant old swing set in the backyard and as the kids were swinging and eating peaches from the peach tree in the yard, they all announced that they felt like this was the one. Even Lou, who has been SO anti-moving since the first day we spoke of it. I was surprised, but we weren't in a rush to put in an offer. Later that day, though, we threw caution to the wind and decided to put one in, just to see if we had a shot. We could always back out, right? Well, there was another offer on the table and the following day, during Eldon's baptism, I got a text and saw from our friend Lance, our realtor, that the seller had decided to take the other offer. Apparently it was a family who was living out of a hotel and was desperate to find a house. I knew there was a good chance we wouldn't get it, but I was surprised at the disappointment I felt when it officially went to someone else. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. 

On Tuesday we had an unbelievable wind storm in the upper part of Utah that produced hurricane-speed winds and made it sound like our house was going to blow over. Our house did not, but our big willow tree in the back did, along with thousands of other trees across the Wasatch front. My heart ached when I went out and saw our lawn covered in our beautiful tree. I loved that tree so much. It had made our yard feel so magical and private. The entire storm lasted more than 48 hours and I hardly slept because I was so afraid our big elm tree was going to take out our power line or smash our house. One big branch did fall on the house and then started dangling from the power line to the house, but the power company came and saved the day by climbing up on the roof and tossing the branch off the line and onto the ground. A lot of people lost power, some for days. In fact it is Sunday today and Nick and Megan still didn't have power as of last night. The power company cannot keep up. The day the wind finally subsided my heart could finally beat at a normal pace. It was honestly such a crazy couple of days. To add to it all, early on Tuesday, the day the storm really got going, Lance called and told us that the buyers for the home we'd put an offer on had backed out for some reason, and the sellers were coming back to us to see if we were still interested. Were we? I was so throw off by the storm and the weirdness of the day that I didn't even know what to say. Within a few hours, we decided to go ahead and come back with our initial offer and within a day, the sellers accepted! What?! Was this really happening? I told Lance I needed to walk through it again to make sure I felt good about it, so a few days later we did, and I felt so good. Nervous and overwhelmed, but really good.

So, here we are, after nearly four years of looking, about to buy a new house! It honestly checks off pretty much all of the boxes I wanted checked for a new house so it seemed crazy to pass it up. It's on a quiet, flat street, in a really well-kept neighborhood with lots of kids, the elementary school and church are in walking distance, it has five bedrooms and three bathrooms, the home is in great condition but I can update it how I want, it has a fireplace (two, actually), a master bathroom (although a bit small), the house is set back from the street, it has a garden and lots of fruit trees, it has a great area for outdoor dining, TONS of entertaining space inside (I'm so excited to host!!!!), an open concept kitchen/living space, a flat backyard, a big family room downstairs for the kids, an extra bedroom that I can make into my exercise room, tons of storage, a two-car garage, and great natural light. As I write all this out, I'm getting so so excited! I still can't believe this is happening! We are planning to rent out our current house, which I am also a bit nervous about. I think it's going to be a good thing because it will bring in a bit of money each month, but I'm not sure how much we are going to love being landlords.

Charlotte's family left Utah and headed to Houston yesterday. We are all so bummed out about it. Having them here all summer was such a treat. I seriously wished we lived closer to them so much. Luckily they are within a drive now, rather than a multi-day flight so I'm hopeful we might be able to go there for Thanksgiving and then they are planning to come here for Christmas. Knowing we will see each other soon softened the blow a bit.

Sunday morning

I am sitting outside on the back patio in the cool of a Sunday morning (it's going to be over 100 degrees today) and William is here beside me in his Spiderman jammies chowing down on a big bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Frosted Flakes mixed together. I love watching him eat and the little facial expressions he makes with his cute chubby cheeks as he chews. He is seriously the funniest, always barking orders in his raspy voice and asking the funniest questions. His feet are crossed as his legs dangle off the patio chair and he's breathing heavily because I'm sure he has a couple big boogs (like always) stuck up there. I love him so dang much.

I have struggled a bit on Sundays lately with home church. It has been really challenging to really feel the spirit and I know it's my fault. I miss going to church and being fed. I love being able to have sacrament in our home while we can't attend church regularly, but at the same time it's hard to be the one having to provide the spiritual experiences. I know whatever the situation, I am the one who decides if I will feel the spirit and so really, even if we actually go to church, I choose to have a spiritual experience or not, but it seems to be harder for me at home for some reason. I'm trying, and yet I know I need to try harder. My relationship with God is not as strong as it should be. I miss it. There have been times in my life where I've felt incredibly close to Him, where I feel very in tune with His love for me and what He wants me to do. I don't think I have been making enough of an effort recently to feel as close to Him. It is my doing, and I am going to try harder. Better morning prayers. Better scripture study. More time spent in quiet to try to truly hear Him.

Every time we are on vacation somewhere I usually try to find a mountain or a trail of some sort to run. And every time I reach the top or an incredibly overlook, I take me headphones out, stand there, close my eyes and say a prayer, mostly in gratitude for my body, my mind, my life and for the beauty of it all. In those moments I feel SO close to Him. I feel a profound sense of His love for me and of my worth and His child. I feel immensely grounded in those moments. I want to feel that certainty and that love always, but even if I get it here and there on those runs, I am so grateful for those moments to reflect back on and again feel that certainty that often feels far away. My headphones were dead yesterday when I got up to go on my run (I love running listening to a book or podcast because it keeps my head engaged as I go) but when they weren't charged I decided to go without them, for the first time in a long time. It felt good to just be in my own head and think. I forget how much listening to something really directs my thoughts for the morning and really, for the day. That has often been a good thing because I'm listening to things that I love that are helping me change my habits, but I also think sometimes the quiet is what I need to allow God to really speak to me. I have heard Him so clearly in my thoughts sometimes and I want to lean into those thoughts a bit more. Often is a quick little blip that passes through my mind and I want to really try this week to hold onto those and then record them in the notes in my phone or something and then try and decide how best to implement them into my day or week.

August 11, 2020

I am grateful for:

1. Our back patio and the lights Robert strung up around them that makes it feel like we have a little bit of summer magic outside our backdoor. 

2. Habits I am building.

3. Road trips and getting away.

4. Coming home and sleeping in my own bed and realizing how much I love being home. Quarantine and all the weirdness Covid has created has made me question my sanity in my home is it was necessary to get away to remember my love for it.

5. Cousins that are like siblings to my kids.

6. The mountains right next to us that I get to stare at as I run every morning.

7. A stomach and digestive system that has felt really good for the past six months to a year. I was having so many issues for so long that I have almost forgotten how bad it was. Bless eating well and exercise!

8. Designing my own house. I have made some little changes here and there lately and I find it so insanely fun. Sometimes I wish I would have just gone with my heart and done interior design in college, but alas, my life isn't over and I can still do something fun with it in my own way.

9. Bacon. I love bacon so much. Oh, and my Costco protein bars. It's so weird how obsessed I am with those things.

10. Laughing with Robert. He just came upstairs for a second from working downstairs and we just bantered for a minute. I feel like we are together and around each other so much these days that sometimes we just forget to be fun. I love him so much and the joking and laughing between us is one of the things I love most.