really quick

We are at the tail end of our renovation right now and I feel like I constantly have a million things on my mind and a running laundry list on my phone of things to do. I feel like there are a lot of things I CAN do, but there are also a lot of things that are out of my control, and it turns out I am a bit of a control freak. I have been trying to do a lot of thought work in my own little noggin trying to let myself release the stress that comes from things out of my control, but it isn't easy and I often end up not being able to sleep because of all the thoughts running through my head. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and then once I finally did, William came in after having a nightmare at 3 AM and after snuggling for a bit he walked himself back into his room, but then I couldn't fall back so sleep...for the rest of the night. I have been dragging all day and it's already 10:30 PM and I should be going to bed right now, but Robert is at the house re-taping off the floors with painters tape because the painters taped them with masking tape, which will apparently pull off the stain. In any case, Robert may actually be even more of a head case than I am when it comes to all of this, but somehow when his head hits the pillow he just konks right out, lucky soul.

I feel incredibly grateful that we get to do this remodel and that we have found a home and a neighborhood that we truly love and feel so, so good about. Right now the house is seriously stressing me out, but at the same time, every time I'm there I feel completely certain that is where we are meant to be. I feel sad leaving our sweet little starter home. I love this place so much. But I am SO excited for more space. I want to let go of worry. I feel like I let fear and other emotions that don't serve me really take over my mind and it feels unnecessarily heavy sometimes. So right now I'm choosing to feel joy. I feel joy because we get to make this new house a home that we really love, and I also know that it is a gift to be able to do so. I also know that things that feel stressful at this very moment will one day be a distant memory, so rather than worry, I should let myself sleep and then get to work in the morning. Night has always been a bit of a trigger for me in the anxiety and worry department, especially at certain times in my life. I think that's the case for a lot of people. Instead of scrolling my phone I am going to read my scriptures, talk to Heavenly Father in prayer, and peacefully end my day waiting to hear what He has to tell me. I feel so peaceful after I read my scriptures and after sort of neglecting my personal scripture study lately, that peace that comes has felt so evident to me the last week or so that I've really made a concerted effort to read them. It feels so good.

in the thick of it

We are knee-deep in our renovation right now and Robert actually stayed at the house last night until the wee hours of the morning to try and fix our subfloor before the new wood flooring gets put in on Monday. Yesterday as Halloween and although it was a very strange year because of dang Covid, we went trick-or-treating to just a few houses (social distancing style) and then spent the evening at Nick and Megan's as usual for chili and games. My parents didn't come because my mom isn't feeling well (praying it's not Covid) and Julia and Pete only came for a bit. It felt so weird, but I'm glad we were able to make a fun day out of it in spite of the situation.

Fixing up the house has been just as time consuming and overwhelming as I kind of expected it would be. There are always bumps in the road and it feels like one thing after the next comes up and you kind of just have to take it in stride and try to come up with creative solutions. It has made both me and Robert a little stressed out but I'm praying we just love how it all comes together and feel like it was absolutely worth it. I think it will be. Overall it has been fun, and I truly love making decisions and the magic of envisioning it and then actually physically seeing it come together. I mean, I'm kind of still in the envisioning stage because we are pretty much at the bare bones of the house right now (kitchen, floors, trim, carpet, and railings are all gone and the wallpaper is coming down) and in the next two or three weeks it will all be getting put back together, hopefully in time for us to move in.

We decided to actually sell our house rather than rent it because hello, we can barely keep up one house let alone two. The market is also so insane right now and the equity we have in our house would be so amazing to be able to put toward the renovation as well as the money we owe on the new house. We held an open house a few weeks ago and the next day found out we'd received TEN offers, all over asking price! We'd listed for $350k and the offer we accepted was $390k. I'm going to be shocked if our house actually appraises for that much! We've had the inspection and are waiting on the appraisal and are due to close November 19. I think we will move into the new house November 14 but I'm doubtful we will have a kitchen by then. I really wanted to go to Houston for Thanksgiving but the timeline is a little tight. We'll see how it all shakes out. We will likely have to drive if we want to go because the decision is going to be so last minute.

I have been feeling a really strong desire to better connect with God the last few weeks. I feel like I get into the routine and daily tasks of life and forget to center myself and to really check in spiritually in the ways I have in the past. I really want to find time and space to be more still and slow and to be quiet enough to feel and hear His will. For me, part of really deciphering how I feel and perhaps what He wants me to do comes in writing. I haven't been good at writing my thoughts down lately and I know it comes at a cost. Truly, it's been the little things that I've neglected that have resulted in my feeling a bit disconnected from God. I know it is all in my power to mend the connection and it comes in the small daily acts, like sincere prayer, time in quiet, scripture study and acting on promptings to do service that I will feel him more abundantly in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing a good job really hearing Him, but when I think about it I feel like finding this house was all an answer to prayer and acting upon the no's and yes's I felt in my heart from Him. Nothing we saw felt right until, suddenly something did. And even then, when we initially put in the offer on the house, I still wasn't sure it was the right thing to do, but I knew we had to take a step into the dark and then God would either light the path or give us a solid NO if it wasn't right. So...we kept moving forward, and with each step things just felt good, and so we proceeded to the next. For me, that is often how I see God in my life. I take a step and He either fills me with peace or holds me back, but I have to take the step on my own to know what He wants.

My heart is filled with gratitude for life right now. I just feel happy, even amidst so much chaos and a world that feels so heavy and angry, I still feel this overwhelming amount of gratitude and peace for the life we have. With the pandemic surging, presidential elections coming up Tuesday and a very politically polarized society, my heart feels heavy when I listen to the news or just hear President Trump speak in general, and I pray he's ousted even though Biden may not be the answer. But overall, I know God is in charge. I know we will be ok. I know that I have power to create peace and calm and a home filled with the spirit right where I am. My sphere of influence can be big, even in the simple things I do. My hope with my home, especially this new home, is to create a space where there is love felt right when you walk in the door. I want it to be peaceful. I want it to be joyful and clean and calm (as clean and calm as is possible with four young kids). I want it to be a place where people feel welcome and loved and where the door is always open and there is always a seat at the table for whoever needs it. I think the space to have people in this new home is one of the things that excites me the most, and I am hopeful this pandemic comes to an end soon so we can feel more comfortable doing so. I want God to be a huge part of my making a home, of my motherhood and of the friend I am to others. That is so much of why I want to connect to Him. I want to be more aware of what He needs me to do and who He needs me to reach out to and serve. I haven't been the most peaceful or joyful or loving mother. Honestly, that's what I feel like I'm writing in my journal every single time I write and I hate that I'm not feeling better about it, because that is the most important thing to me in this entire world. My relationship with my kids means everything to me, and right now I just feel like I'm a nagging, judgmental mom and I really don't want to be. I want to be peaceful and loving and slow to anger. I am sure that the more I try to do better at those small, simple acts of connecting with God each day that I'll do a little better. I usually do. In general, it all still feels hard. I am short tempered and often raise my voice or say something snarky to the kids, and then I'm mad at myself for doing so and then I act even more angry and snarky because I'm mad at myself. Oy, it's a vicious cycle and I need to nip it in the bud. Jesus, take the wheel! I need Him so much in my life. I am so grateful for His grace and His love and I'm grateful for God's forgiveness and mercy. I need it so desperately.