really quick

We are at the tail end of our renovation right now and I feel like I constantly have a million things on my mind and a running laundry list on my phone of things to do. I feel like there are a lot of things I CAN do, but there are also a lot of things that are out of my control, and it turns out I am a bit of a control freak. I have been trying to do a lot of thought work in my own little noggin trying to let myself release the stress that comes from things out of my control, but it isn't easy and I often end up not being able to sleep because of all the thoughts running through my head. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and then once I finally did, William came in after having a nightmare at 3 AM and after snuggling for a bit he walked himself back into his room, but then I couldn't fall back so sleep...for the rest of the night. I have been dragging all day and it's already 10:30 PM and I should be going to bed right now, but Robert is at the house re-taping off the floors with painters tape because the painters taped them with masking tape, which will apparently pull off the stain. In any case, Robert may actually be even more of a head case than I am when it comes to all of this, but somehow when his head hits the pillow he just konks right out, lucky soul.

I feel incredibly grateful that we get to do this remodel and that we have found a home and a neighborhood that we truly love and feel so, so good about. Right now the house is seriously stressing me out, but at the same time, every time I'm there I feel completely certain that is where we are meant to be. I feel sad leaving our sweet little starter home. I love this place so much. But I am SO excited for more space. I want to let go of worry. I feel like I let fear and other emotions that don't serve me really take over my mind and it feels unnecessarily heavy sometimes. So right now I'm choosing to feel joy. I feel joy because we get to make this new house a home that we really love, and I also know that it is a gift to be able to do so. I also know that things that feel stressful at this very moment will one day be a distant memory, so rather than worry, I should let myself sleep and then get to work in the morning. Night has always been a bit of a trigger for me in the anxiety and worry department, especially at certain times in my life. I think that's the case for a lot of people. Instead of scrolling my phone I am going to read my scriptures, talk to Heavenly Father in prayer, and peacefully end my day waiting to hear what He has to tell me. I feel so peaceful after I read my scriptures and after sort of neglecting my personal scripture study lately, that peace that comes has felt so evident to me the last week or so that I've really made a concerted effort to read them. It feels so good.

in the thick of it

We are knee-deep in our renovation right now and Robert actually stayed at the house last night until the wee hours of the morning to try and fix our subfloor before the new wood flooring gets put in on Monday. Yesterday as Halloween and although it was a very strange year because of dang Covid, we went trick-or-treating to just a few houses (social distancing style) and then spent the evening at Nick and Megan's as usual for chili and games. My parents didn't come because my mom isn't feeling well (praying it's not Covid) and Julia and Pete only came for a bit. It felt so weird, but I'm glad we were able to make a fun day out of it in spite of the situation.

Fixing up the house has been just as time consuming and overwhelming as I kind of expected it would be. There are always bumps in the road and it feels like one thing after the next comes up and you kind of just have to take it in stride and try to come up with creative solutions. It has made both me and Robert a little stressed out but I'm praying we just love how it all comes together and feel like it was absolutely worth it. I think it will be. Overall it has been fun, and I truly love making decisions and the magic of envisioning it and then actually physically seeing it come together. I mean, I'm kind of still in the envisioning stage because we are pretty much at the bare bones of the house right now (kitchen, floors, trim, carpet, and railings are all gone and the wallpaper is coming down) and in the next two or three weeks it will all be getting put back together, hopefully in time for us to move in.

We decided to actually sell our house rather than rent it because hello, we can barely keep up one house let alone two. The market is also so insane right now and the equity we have in our house would be so amazing to be able to put toward the renovation as well as the money we owe on the new house. We held an open house a few weeks ago and the next day found out we'd received TEN offers, all over asking price! We'd listed for $350k and the offer we accepted was $390k. I'm going to be shocked if our house actually appraises for that much! We've had the inspection and are waiting on the appraisal and are due to close November 19. I think we will move into the new house November 14 but I'm doubtful we will have a kitchen by then. I really wanted to go to Houston for Thanksgiving but the timeline is a little tight. We'll see how it all shakes out. We will likely have to drive if we want to go because the decision is going to be so last minute.

I have been feeling a really strong desire to better connect with God the last few weeks. I feel like I get into the routine and daily tasks of life and forget to center myself and to really check in spiritually in the ways I have in the past. I really want to find time and space to be more still and slow and to be quiet enough to feel and hear His will. For me, part of really deciphering how I feel and perhaps what He wants me to do comes in writing. I haven't been good at writing my thoughts down lately and I know it comes at a cost. Truly, it's been the little things that I've neglected that have resulted in my feeling a bit disconnected from God. I know it is all in my power to mend the connection and it comes in the small daily acts, like sincere prayer, time in quiet, scripture study and acting on promptings to do service that I will feel him more abundantly in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing a good job really hearing Him, but when I think about it I feel like finding this house was all an answer to prayer and acting upon the no's and yes's I felt in my heart from Him. Nothing we saw felt right until, suddenly something did. And even then, when we initially put in the offer on the house, I still wasn't sure it was the right thing to do, but I knew we had to take a step into the dark and then God would either light the path or give us a solid NO if it wasn't right. So...we kept moving forward, and with each step things just felt good, and so we proceeded to the next. For me, that is often how I see God in my life. I take a step and He either fills me with peace or holds me back, but I have to take the step on my own to know what He wants.

My heart is filled with gratitude for life right now. I just feel happy, even amidst so much chaos and a world that feels so heavy and angry, I still feel this overwhelming amount of gratitude and peace for the life we have. With the pandemic surging, presidential elections coming up Tuesday and a very politically polarized society, my heart feels heavy when I listen to the news or just hear President Trump speak in general, and I pray he's ousted even though Biden may not be the answer. But overall, I know God is in charge. I know we will be ok. I know that I have power to create peace and calm and a home filled with the spirit right where I am. My sphere of influence can be big, even in the simple things I do. My hope with my home, especially this new home, is to create a space where there is love felt right when you walk in the door. I want it to be peaceful. I want it to be joyful and clean and calm (as clean and calm as is possible with four young kids). I want it to be a place where people feel welcome and loved and where the door is always open and there is always a seat at the table for whoever needs it. I think the space to have people in this new home is one of the things that excites me the most, and I am hopeful this pandemic comes to an end soon so we can feel more comfortable doing so. I want God to be a huge part of my making a home, of my motherhood and of the friend I am to others. That is so much of why I want to connect to Him. I want to be more aware of what He needs me to do and who He needs me to reach out to and serve. I haven't been the most peaceful or joyful or loving mother. Honestly, that's what I feel like I'm writing in my journal every single time I write and I hate that I'm not feeling better about it, because that is the most important thing to me in this entire world. My relationship with my kids means everything to me, and right now I just feel like I'm a nagging, judgmental mom and I really don't want to be. I want to be peaceful and loving and slow to anger. I am sure that the more I try to do better at those small, simple acts of connecting with God each day that I'll do a little better. I usually do. In general, it all still feels hard. I am short tempered and often raise my voice or say something snarky to the kids, and then I'm mad at myself for doing so and then I act even more angry and snarky because I'm mad at myself. Oy, it's a vicious cycle and I need to nip it in the bud. Jesus, take the wheel! I need Him so much in my life. I am so grateful for His grace and His love and I'm grateful for God's forgiveness and mercy. I need it so desperately. 

the winds are a changin'

This last week has been a doozy in about one million ways. We went to go see a house in a neighborhood we love in Bountiful last Friday. Robert had found it on Zillow a day or two before and both of us were really excited about it. When we pulled up and walked in, I had a really good feeling, but as I walked through the whole thing I became incredibly overwhelmed with all that needed to be done to update it. It had lots of potential but I just wasn't sure we were up for the task of catching it up with this century. There's a giant old swing set in the backyard and as the kids were swinging and eating peaches from the peach tree in the yard, they all announced that they felt like this was the one. Even Lou, who has been SO anti-moving since the first day we spoke of it. I was surprised, but we weren't in a rush to put in an offer. Later that day, though, we threw caution to the wind and decided to put one in, just to see if we had a shot. We could always back out, right? Well, there was another offer on the table and the following day, during Eldon's baptism, I got a text and saw from our friend Lance, our realtor, that the seller had decided to take the other offer. Apparently it was a family who was living out of a hotel and was desperate to find a house. I knew there was a good chance we wouldn't get it, but I was surprised at the disappointment I felt when it officially went to someone else. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. 

On Tuesday we had an unbelievable wind storm in the upper part of Utah that produced hurricane-speed winds and made it sound like our house was going to blow over. Our house did not, but our big willow tree in the back did, along with thousands of other trees across the Wasatch front. My heart ached when I went out and saw our lawn covered in our beautiful tree. I loved that tree so much. It had made our yard feel so magical and private. The entire storm lasted more than 48 hours and I hardly slept because I was so afraid our big elm tree was going to take out our power line or smash our house. One big branch did fall on the house and then started dangling from the power line to the house, but the power company came and saved the day by climbing up on the roof and tossing the branch off the line and onto the ground. A lot of people lost power, some for days. In fact it is Sunday today and Nick and Megan still didn't have power as of last night. The power company cannot keep up. The day the wind finally subsided my heart could finally beat at a normal pace. It was honestly such a crazy couple of days. To add to it all, early on Tuesday, the day the storm really got going, Lance called and told us that the buyers for the home we'd put an offer on had backed out for some reason, and the sellers were coming back to us to see if we were still interested. Were we? I was so throw off by the storm and the weirdness of the day that I didn't even know what to say. Within a few hours, we decided to go ahead and come back with our initial offer and within a day, the sellers accepted! What?! Was this really happening? I told Lance I needed to walk through it again to make sure I felt good about it, so a few days later we did, and I felt so good. Nervous and overwhelmed, but really good.

So, here we are, after nearly four years of looking, about to buy a new house! It honestly checks off pretty much all of the boxes I wanted checked for a new house so it seemed crazy to pass it up. It's on a quiet, flat street, in a really well-kept neighborhood with lots of kids, the elementary school and church are in walking distance, it has five bedrooms and three bathrooms, the home is in great condition but I can update it how I want, it has a fireplace (two, actually), a master bathroom (although a bit small), the house is set back from the street, it has a garden and lots of fruit trees, it has a great area for outdoor dining, TONS of entertaining space inside (I'm so excited to host!!!!), an open concept kitchen/living space, a flat backyard, a big family room downstairs for the kids, an extra bedroom that I can make into my exercise room, tons of storage, a two-car garage, and great natural light. As I write all this out, I'm getting so so excited! I still can't believe this is happening! We are planning to rent out our current house, which I am also a bit nervous about. I think it's going to be a good thing because it will bring in a bit of money each month, but I'm not sure how much we are going to love being landlords.

Charlotte's family left Utah and headed to Houston yesterday. We are all so bummed out about it. Having them here all summer was such a treat. I seriously wished we lived closer to them so much. Luckily they are within a drive now, rather than a multi-day flight so I'm hopeful we might be able to go there for Thanksgiving and then they are planning to come here for Christmas. Knowing we will see each other soon softened the blow a bit.

Sunday morning

I am sitting outside on the back patio in the cool of a Sunday morning (it's going to be over 100 degrees today) and William is here beside me in his Spiderman jammies chowing down on a big bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Frosted Flakes mixed together. I love watching him eat and the little facial expressions he makes with his cute chubby cheeks as he chews. He is seriously the funniest, always barking orders in his raspy voice and asking the funniest questions. His feet are crossed as his legs dangle off the patio chair and he's breathing heavily because I'm sure he has a couple big boogs (like always) stuck up there. I love him so dang much.

I have struggled a bit on Sundays lately with home church. It has been really challenging to really feel the spirit and I know it's my fault. I miss going to church and being fed. I love being able to have sacrament in our home while we can't attend church regularly, but at the same time it's hard to be the one having to provide the spiritual experiences. I know whatever the situation, I am the one who decides if I will feel the spirit and so really, even if we actually go to church, I choose to have a spiritual experience or not, but it seems to be harder for me at home for some reason. I'm trying, and yet I know I need to try harder. My relationship with God is not as strong as it should be. I miss it. There have been times in my life where I've felt incredibly close to Him, where I feel very in tune with His love for me and what He wants me to do. I don't think I have been making enough of an effort recently to feel as close to Him. It is my doing, and I am going to try harder. Better morning prayers. Better scripture study. More time spent in quiet to try to truly hear Him.

Every time we are on vacation somewhere I usually try to find a mountain or a trail of some sort to run. And every time I reach the top or an incredibly overlook, I take me headphones out, stand there, close my eyes and say a prayer, mostly in gratitude for my body, my mind, my life and for the beauty of it all. In those moments I feel SO close to Him. I feel a profound sense of His love for me and of my worth and His child. I feel immensely grounded in those moments. I want to feel that certainty and that love always, but even if I get it here and there on those runs, I am so grateful for those moments to reflect back on and again feel that certainty that often feels far away. My headphones were dead yesterday when I got up to go on my run (I love running listening to a book or podcast because it keeps my head engaged as I go) but when they weren't charged I decided to go without them, for the first time in a long time. It felt good to just be in my own head and think. I forget how much listening to something really directs my thoughts for the morning and really, for the day. That has often been a good thing because I'm listening to things that I love that are helping me change my habits, but I also think sometimes the quiet is what I need to allow God to really speak to me. I have heard Him so clearly in my thoughts sometimes and I want to lean into those thoughts a bit more. Often is a quick little blip that passes through my mind and I want to really try this week to hold onto those and then record them in the notes in my phone or something and then try and decide how best to implement them into my day or week.

August 11, 2020

I am grateful for:

1. Our back patio and the lights Robert strung up around them that makes it feel like we have a little bit of summer magic outside our backdoor. 

2. Habits I am building.

3. Road trips and getting away.

4. Coming home and sleeping in my own bed and realizing how much I love being home. Quarantine and all the weirdness Covid has created has made me question my sanity in my home is it was necessary to get away to remember my love for it.

5. Cousins that are like siblings to my kids.

6. The mountains right next to us that I get to stare at as I run every morning.

7. A stomach and digestive system that has felt really good for the past six months to a year. I was having so many issues for so long that I have almost forgotten how bad it was. Bless eating well and exercise!

8. Designing my own house. I have made some little changes here and there lately and I find it so insanely fun. Sometimes I wish I would have just gone with my heart and done interior design in college, but alas, my life isn't over and I can still do something fun with it in my own way.

9. Bacon. I love bacon so much. Oh, and my Costco protein bars. It's so weird how obsessed I am with those things.

10. Laughing with Robert. He just came upstairs for a second from working downstairs and we just bantered for a minute. I feel like we are together and around each other so much these days that sometimes we just forget to be fun. I love him so much and the joking and laughing between us is one of the things I love most.

Grateful today

Today I am grateful for:

1. Getting up before the sun and the cool of a morning.

2. Being able to smile at people when I run because most of the time I'm out and about we are wearing masks.

3. A hot breakfast.

4. When my kids are excited to see me, even when I feel like I've been an awful mom all day.

5. Habits that I've formed that I don't even have to think about doing anymore.

6. Hannah's little voice and the way she forms her sentences.

7. Looking forward to things. I've been planning this last minute trip to St. George for a few weeks and it has had me so excited and I've loved researching new places to go eat, hike and see. I've been to St. George a million times but I do this whenever we go anywhere and I love having things to look forward to.

8. Warm summer nights spent in our backyard.

9. Moments where I'm recalling IN the moment. Where I'm sitting there and I see the beauty of the situation I'm in right there and I know it and recognize it. 

10. Clothes to wear. I have three baskets of laundry in my bedroom that I'm dreading to fold but I have to remind myself how blessed we are to have clothes to wear and then I'm hoping the gratitude will outweigh my dread to fold it.

be happy for no reason

“be happy, for no reason, like a child. if you’re happy for a reason, you’re in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you.” - deepak chopra

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. The day-to-day of life can sometimes feel so monotonous and even with all of my greatest blessings right in front of me, swarming around me all the live long day, I still often struggle to feel happy, to be happy. But I want to. I really do. I want to just be innately joyful, quick to smile, laugh, play. I think I always used to be a "glass-half-full" kind of person, but lately I've had a tendency to be a bit more quick on the draw with complaints, especially with Robert. The thought that there is a choice to be happy, just because you want to be, for no other reason than to just BE happy and with no strings attached, feels so liberating. That's my goal this week. To just ease into a smile when it may not feel natural, or to hold my tongue when I feel a complaint about to seep from my lips. Not today Satan! I am happy for no reason and that's the end of it!

The kids go back to school in a few weeks. It's hard to even believe summer is coming to an end. It feels like it's gone by in a blink and yet it's been our longest summer yet, with distance learning ending mid-May. The Adseros have been here all summer and it's felt like a dream to kind of quarantine with them. The kids have been in heaven. Most schools across the country are either doing distance learning or some hybrid of distance learning and in-person school for the first term as they carefully open because of COVID. Our school district was initially planning to go back full-time in-person but have now scaled back to two days a week in-person and three days distance learning so more social distancing can take place. I was actually considering homeschooling my girls because I was nervous about sending them into a packed classroom five days each week, so I am somewhat grateful for the change in plans. I'm not sure how working parents or single parents are ever going to be able to make that work. It's going to be bananas and I feel awful for them. I am grateful I'm able to be home with my kids so decisions like these are so much less taxing on our family and we can weather them a bit more easily.

Houston's COVID numbers are out of control, so they are all distance learning for awhile. Charlotte will stay here with her boys until after Eldon is baptized in early September and then they will head to their new home there, which they've never even seen in person before! I think this summer has been a major whirlwind for them and I'm so grateful they've had their cabin to come to amidst all of this, and that we've been able to be together so much. I'd love to be able to drive down there and quarantine with them this fall for a bit, but I'm not sure how realistic that will be. Robert is still working from home, which he's done since March. This new life we've been living now for the last four months is still so surreal. 2020 has thrown us so many curveballs and yet here we are, still standing with most of our sanity intact. 

The world feels heavy in so many ways right now, and it is hard to really justify feeling happy when everything feels so uncertain and so many people seem so angry. The government is a mess, the economy is a mess, there is so much racism, sexism, judgement, hate, cruelty and evil that it seems impossible to eradicate it all, to find happiness in a world filled with so much heaviness. But I want to feel light. I want to be light. I want to know those things are there, find ways to make positive changes in my little corner of the world, and in spite of it all, after going through it all, still feel happy. I'm going to try, really hard anyway, to do just that. And while doing so, I'm going to try and help my kids finish out this summer with a bang. We are heading down for a long (super HOT) weekend in St. George with the Adseros this upcoming weekend and I am so excited for a change of scene. We have been home pretty much all summer, besides a small stint in Idaho and a trip to the cabin. A little getaway will be a nice change.