feeling sure

Lately I feel like I've been questioning myself a lot. What do I think? Where do I stand on certain issues? What if I'm not right? What if there's a better way? And while all of these questions and wondering aren't completely bad, I also think I can overdo it to a point where I have no solid opinion, and any previously held beliefs feel faint and a bit distant. It is good to be flexible and changeable, but it is also essential to feel confident and sure of oneself. And that is where I want to be. What if I just felt sure? What if I just knew certain things? On my run this morning I started to mentally list out what things I felt sure of, and even if I didn't feel completely sure of them, I began to think about the power that would come into me if I just told myself I believed them until I actually did? Here are some things I thought of:

I have all the things at my disposal to be incredibly happy
I am powerful beyond measure
The world is full of good
I will know what I am supposed to do when I need to because God loves me and I can hear His will for me through the spirit
I am loved
My physical appearance doesn't matter
I am capable and smart
I am a good mom
I am a good wife
I am interesting
I have power to do good
I can do anything I put my mind to
Failure is ok, and I can put myself out there and try new things because I am not afraid to fail
I do not need to be anxious
I can change

I feel like many of these may be a bit selfish, but lately I have felt this need to really internally change a few things about myself so I can be a better mom, wife and friend. I want to believe all of these things because I think in doing so I will be able to instill them in my relationships, especially in my kids, and relationships, especially those I have with my kids, are what matter the very most to me. Hannah is in her crib kicking the wall, ready to get out of bed for the morning so I have to wrap this up, but I just want to try to believe these things this week and see what a difference it makes. I want to sit in surety. I want to sit in a feeling of knowing myself, and being confident in myself. I think in years past, especially in my late twenties, I went through a phase of a lot of confidence in who I was and what I know, and I think I still feel that, I just let myself forget occasionally, and I want to get back to sitting in surety.

today

The world feels really heavy right now and I feel the weight of it in my chest. I have been avoiding looking at the news because the heaviness can become crippling if I'm absorbed in my phone or the media too long. Summer has come in with full force and the hot heat feels like a wake up call to my skin to remind me that we are all still alive here in in our little family, that the our little piece of the world continues to spin in many of the same ways it has in the past, and that there is still times ahead to be enjoyed. The coronavirus (Covid-19) has changed the way we live for months now. We have seen very little of family, and now getting together is mostly done outside and we all kind of just avoid touching each other. I want to hug my mom! It has been confusing to my kids, but now they are getting used to it all, which makes me a little sad. Being physically distant from people does not come naturally to them, and I'm disheartened that this may be their new normal and that hugs and affection outside of our immediate family may not be an option for awhile. There have been riots across the country, and now also globally, as police treatment of black individuals continues to be appalling and the idea of white privilege and racism is coming under a very intense microscope. The riots have become violent and some people are claiming that outside individuals are coming in to intensify these riots, people who just want to make things chaotic and violent, not the people who are actually there for the real heart of the meaning behind it all. Our country feels so divided, both with how they view how governments are handling Covid-19 as well as all of the police brutality and prevalent racism. It all feels so, so big, and in some ways I just don't know what to think of it all. People are so extreme, and although I know I need to take the information I'm given, process it and then decipher what I truly think of it all, I'm feeling more and more inclined to just shut it all out altogether. I know that's not right, because there I need to be informed and I need to be an anchor for my own family so first, we can be safe, but also so that my kids will have some sense of what is going on but also feel secure in the fact that together we can work through it all and help others as we do so. That's what it all comes down to...how we can be the helpers. I'm still trying to figure that out in some ways (hence the need to be informed) but today I kind of just want to hide away from it all. Perhaps that is my white privilege speaking because I CAN hide away from it all. Robert is still employed, we can stay safe at home, we have plenty of food to eat, I'm not afraid of the police and I don't feel a need to riot for my life and for my family's life. I cannot help that I have white privilege. It is a fact. I was born with it. Just like black men and women cannot help that they were born black. I wish I could give them what I have. I want them to feel safe. I want them to feel accepted and loved and equal. They ARE by me. They are by my family. It all us doesn't feel fair and I hate it.