really quick

We are at the tail end of our renovation right now and I feel like I constantly have a million things on my mind and a running laundry list on my phone of things to do. I feel like there are a lot of things I CAN do, but there are also a lot of things that are out of my control, and it turns out I am a bit of a control freak. I have been trying to do a lot of thought work in my own little noggin trying to let myself release the stress that comes from things out of my control, but it isn't easy and I often end up not being able to sleep because of all the thoughts running through my head. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and then once I finally did, William came in after having a nightmare at 3 AM and after snuggling for a bit he walked himself back into his room, but then I couldn't fall back so sleep...for the rest of the night. I have been dragging all day and it's already 10:30 PM and I should be going to bed right now, but Robert is at the house re-taping off the floors with painters tape because the painters taped them with masking tape, which will apparently pull off the stain. In any case, Robert may actually be even more of a head case than I am when it comes to all of this, but somehow when his head hits the pillow he just konks right out, lucky soul.

I feel incredibly grateful that we get to do this remodel and that we have found a home and a neighborhood that we truly love and feel so, so good about. Right now the house is seriously stressing me out, but at the same time, every time I'm there I feel completely certain that is where we are meant to be. I feel sad leaving our sweet little starter home. I love this place so much. But I am SO excited for more space. I want to let go of worry. I feel like I let fear and other emotions that don't serve me really take over my mind and it feels unnecessarily heavy sometimes. So right now I'm choosing to feel joy. I feel joy because we get to make this new house a home that we really love, and I also know that it is a gift to be able to do so. I also know that things that feel stressful at this very moment will one day be a distant memory, so rather than worry, I should let myself sleep and then get to work in the morning. Night has always been a bit of a trigger for me in the anxiety and worry department, especially at certain times in my life. I think that's the case for a lot of people. Instead of scrolling my phone I am going to read my scriptures, talk to Heavenly Father in prayer, and peacefully end my day waiting to hear what He has to tell me. I feel so peaceful after I read my scriptures and after sort of neglecting my personal scripture study lately, that peace that comes has felt so evident to me the last week or so that I've really made a concerted effort to read them. It feels so good.

in the thick of it

We are knee-deep in our renovation right now and Robert actually stayed at the house last night until the wee hours of the morning to try and fix our subfloor before the new wood flooring gets put in on Monday. Yesterday as Halloween and although it was a very strange year because of dang Covid, we went trick-or-treating to just a few houses (social distancing style) and then spent the evening at Nick and Megan's as usual for chili and games. My parents didn't come because my mom isn't feeling well (praying it's not Covid) and Julia and Pete only came for a bit. It felt so weird, but I'm glad we were able to make a fun day out of it in spite of the situation.

Fixing up the house has been just as time consuming and overwhelming as I kind of expected it would be. There are always bumps in the road and it feels like one thing after the next comes up and you kind of just have to take it in stride and try to come up with creative solutions. It has made both me and Robert a little stressed out but I'm praying we just love how it all comes together and feel like it was absolutely worth it. I think it will be. Overall it has been fun, and I truly love making decisions and the magic of envisioning it and then actually physically seeing it come together. I mean, I'm kind of still in the envisioning stage because we are pretty much at the bare bones of the house right now (kitchen, floors, trim, carpet, and railings are all gone and the wallpaper is coming down) and in the next two or three weeks it will all be getting put back together, hopefully in time for us to move in.

We decided to actually sell our house rather than rent it because hello, we can barely keep up one house let alone two. The market is also so insane right now and the equity we have in our house would be so amazing to be able to put toward the renovation as well as the money we owe on the new house. We held an open house a few weeks ago and the next day found out we'd received TEN offers, all over asking price! We'd listed for $350k and the offer we accepted was $390k. I'm going to be shocked if our house actually appraises for that much! We've had the inspection and are waiting on the appraisal and are due to close November 19. I think we will move into the new house November 14 but I'm doubtful we will have a kitchen by then. I really wanted to go to Houston for Thanksgiving but the timeline is a little tight. We'll see how it all shakes out. We will likely have to drive if we want to go because the decision is going to be so last minute.

I have been feeling a really strong desire to better connect with God the last few weeks. I feel like I get into the routine and daily tasks of life and forget to center myself and to really check in spiritually in the ways I have in the past. I really want to find time and space to be more still and slow and to be quiet enough to feel and hear His will. For me, part of really deciphering how I feel and perhaps what He wants me to do comes in writing. I haven't been good at writing my thoughts down lately and I know it comes at a cost. Truly, it's been the little things that I've neglected that have resulted in my feeling a bit disconnected from God. I know it is all in my power to mend the connection and it comes in the small daily acts, like sincere prayer, time in quiet, scripture study and acting on promptings to do service that I will feel him more abundantly in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing a good job really hearing Him, but when I think about it I feel like finding this house was all an answer to prayer and acting upon the no's and yes's I felt in my heart from Him. Nothing we saw felt right until, suddenly something did. And even then, when we initially put in the offer on the house, I still wasn't sure it was the right thing to do, but I knew we had to take a step into the dark and then God would either light the path or give us a solid NO if it wasn't right. So...we kept moving forward, and with each step things just felt good, and so we proceeded to the next. For me, that is often how I see God in my life. I take a step and He either fills me with peace or holds me back, but I have to take the step on my own to know what He wants.

My heart is filled with gratitude for life right now. I just feel happy, even amidst so much chaos and a world that feels so heavy and angry, I still feel this overwhelming amount of gratitude and peace for the life we have. With the pandemic surging, presidential elections coming up Tuesday and a very politically polarized society, my heart feels heavy when I listen to the news or just hear President Trump speak in general, and I pray he's ousted even though Biden may not be the answer. But overall, I know God is in charge. I know we will be ok. I know that I have power to create peace and calm and a home filled with the spirit right where I am. My sphere of influence can be big, even in the simple things I do. My hope with my home, especially this new home, is to create a space where there is love felt right when you walk in the door. I want it to be peaceful. I want it to be joyful and clean and calm (as clean and calm as is possible with four young kids). I want it to be a place where people feel welcome and loved and where the door is always open and there is always a seat at the table for whoever needs it. I think the space to have people in this new home is one of the things that excites me the most, and I am hopeful this pandemic comes to an end soon so we can feel more comfortable doing so. I want God to be a huge part of my making a home, of my motherhood and of the friend I am to others. That is so much of why I want to connect to Him. I want to be more aware of what He needs me to do and who He needs me to reach out to and serve. I haven't been the most peaceful or joyful or loving mother. Honestly, that's what I feel like I'm writing in my journal every single time I write and I hate that I'm not feeling better about it, because that is the most important thing to me in this entire world. My relationship with my kids means everything to me, and right now I just feel like I'm a nagging, judgmental mom and I really don't want to be. I want to be peaceful and loving and slow to anger. I am sure that the more I try to do better at those small, simple acts of connecting with God each day that I'll do a little better. I usually do. In general, it all still feels hard. I am short tempered and often raise my voice or say something snarky to the kids, and then I'm mad at myself for doing so and then I act even more angry and snarky because I'm mad at myself. Oy, it's a vicious cycle and I need to nip it in the bud. Jesus, take the wheel! I need Him so much in my life. I am so grateful for His grace and His love and I'm grateful for God's forgiveness and mercy. I need it so desperately. 

the winds are a changin'

This last week has been a doozy in about one million ways. We went to go see a house in a neighborhood we love in Bountiful last Friday. Robert had found it on Zillow a day or two before and both of us were really excited about it. When we pulled up and walked in, I had a really good feeling, but as I walked through the whole thing I became incredibly overwhelmed with all that needed to be done to update it. It had lots of potential but I just wasn't sure we were up for the task of catching it up with this century. There's a giant old swing set in the backyard and as the kids were swinging and eating peaches from the peach tree in the yard, they all announced that they felt like this was the one. Even Lou, who has been SO anti-moving since the first day we spoke of it. I was surprised, but we weren't in a rush to put in an offer. Later that day, though, we threw caution to the wind and decided to put one in, just to see if we had a shot. We could always back out, right? Well, there was another offer on the table and the following day, during Eldon's baptism, I got a text and saw from our friend Lance, our realtor, that the seller had decided to take the other offer. Apparently it was a family who was living out of a hotel and was desperate to find a house. I knew there was a good chance we wouldn't get it, but I was surprised at the disappointment I felt when it officially went to someone else. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. 

On Tuesday we had an unbelievable wind storm in the upper part of Utah that produced hurricane-speed winds and made it sound like our house was going to blow over. Our house did not, but our big willow tree in the back did, along with thousands of other trees across the Wasatch front. My heart ached when I went out and saw our lawn covered in our beautiful tree. I loved that tree so much. It had made our yard feel so magical and private. The entire storm lasted more than 48 hours and I hardly slept because I was so afraid our big elm tree was going to take out our power line or smash our house. One big branch did fall on the house and then started dangling from the power line to the house, but the power company came and saved the day by climbing up on the roof and tossing the branch off the line and onto the ground. A lot of people lost power, some for days. In fact it is Sunday today and Nick and Megan still didn't have power as of last night. The power company cannot keep up. The day the wind finally subsided my heart could finally beat at a normal pace. It was honestly such a crazy couple of days. To add to it all, early on Tuesday, the day the storm really got going, Lance called and told us that the buyers for the home we'd put an offer on had backed out for some reason, and the sellers were coming back to us to see if we were still interested. Were we? I was so throw off by the storm and the weirdness of the day that I didn't even know what to say. Within a few hours, we decided to go ahead and come back with our initial offer and within a day, the sellers accepted! What?! Was this really happening? I told Lance I needed to walk through it again to make sure I felt good about it, so a few days later we did, and I felt so good. Nervous and overwhelmed, but really good.

So, here we are, after nearly four years of looking, about to buy a new house! It honestly checks off pretty much all of the boxes I wanted checked for a new house so it seemed crazy to pass it up. It's on a quiet, flat street, in a really well-kept neighborhood with lots of kids, the elementary school and church are in walking distance, it has five bedrooms and three bathrooms, the home is in great condition but I can update it how I want, it has a fireplace (two, actually), a master bathroom (although a bit small), the house is set back from the street, it has a garden and lots of fruit trees, it has a great area for outdoor dining, TONS of entertaining space inside (I'm so excited to host!!!!), an open concept kitchen/living space, a flat backyard, a big family room downstairs for the kids, an extra bedroom that I can make into my exercise room, tons of storage, a two-car garage, and great natural light. As I write all this out, I'm getting so so excited! I still can't believe this is happening! We are planning to rent out our current house, which I am also a bit nervous about. I think it's going to be a good thing because it will bring in a bit of money each month, but I'm not sure how much we are going to love being landlords.

Charlotte's family left Utah and headed to Houston yesterday. We are all so bummed out about it. Having them here all summer was such a treat. I seriously wished we lived closer to them so much. Luckily they are within a drive now, rather than a multi-day flight so I'm hopeful we might be able to go there for Thanksgiving and then they are planning to come here for Christmas. Knowing we will see each other soon softened the blow a bit.

Sunday morning

I am sitting outside on the back patio in the cool of a Sunday morning (it's going to be over 100 degrees today) and William is here beside me in his Spiderman jammies chowing down on a big bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Frosted Flakes mixed together. I love watching him eat and the little facial expressions he makes with his cute chubby cheeks as he chews. He is seriously the funniest, always barking orders in his raspy voice and asking the funniest questions. His feet are crossed as his legs dangle off the patio chair and he's breathing heavily because I'm sure he has a couple big boogs (like always) stuck up there. I love him so dang much.

I have struggled a bit on Sundays lately with home church. It has been really challenging to really feel the spirit and I know it's my fault. I miss going to church and being fed. I love being able to have sacrament in our home while we can't attend church regularly, but at the same time it's hard to be the one having to provide the spiritual experiences. I know whatever the situation, I am the one who decides if I will feel the spirit and so really, even if we actually go to church, I choose to have a spiritual experience or not, but it seems to be harder for me at home for some reason. I'm trying, and yet I know I need to try harder. My relationship with God is not as strong as it should be. I miss it. There have been times in my life where I've felt incredibly close to Him, where I feel very in tune with His love for me and what He wants me to do. I don't think I have been making enough of an effort recently to feel as close to Him. It is my doing, and I am going to try harder. Better morning prayers. Better scripture study. More time spent in quiet to try to truly hear Him.

Every time we are on vacation somewhere I usually try to find a mountain or a trail of some sort to run. And every time I reach the top or an incredibly overlook, I take me headphones out, stand there, close my eyes and say a prayer, mostly in gratitude for my body, my mind, my life and for the beauty of it all. In those moments I feel SO close to Him. I feel a profound sense of His love for me and of my worth and His child. I feel immensely grounded in those moments. I want to feel that certainty and that love always, but even if I get it here and there on those runs, I am so grateful for those moments to reflect back on and again feel that certainty that often feels far away. My headphones were dead yesterday when I got up to go on my run (I love running listening to a book or podcast because it keeps my head engaged as I go) but when they weren't charged I decided to go without them, for the first time in a long time. It felt good to just be in my own head and think. I forget how much listening to something really directs my thoughts for the morning and really, for the day. That has often been a good thing because I'm listening to things that I love that are helping me change my habits, but I also think sometimes the quiet is what I need to allow God to really speak to me. I have heard Him so clearly in my thoughts sometimes and I want to lean into those thoughts a bit more. Often is a quick little blip that passes through my mind and I want to really try this week to hold onto those and then record them in the notes in my phone or something and then try and decide how best to implement them into my day or week.

August 11, 2020

I am grateful for:

1. Our back patio and the lights Robert strung up around them that makes it feel like we have a little bit of summer magic outside our backdoor. 

2. Habits I am building.

3. Road trips and getting away.

4. Coming home and sleeping in my own bed and realizing how much I love being home. Quarantine and all the weirdness Covid has created has made me question my sanity in my home is it was necessary to get away to remember my love for it.

5. Cousins that are like siblings to my kids.

6. The mountains right next to us that I get to stare at as I run every morning.

7. A stomach and digestive system that has felt really good for the past six months to a year. I was having so many issues for so long that I have almost forgotten how bad it was. Bless eating well and exercise!

8. Designing my own house. I have made some little changes here and there lately and I find it so insanely fun. Sometimes I wish I would have just gone with my heart and done interior design in college, but alas, my life isn't over and I can still do something fun with it in my own way.

9. Bacon. I love bacon so much. Oh, and my Costco protein bars. It's so weird how obsessed I am with those things.

10. Laughing with Robert. He just came upstairs for a second from working downstairs and we just bantered for a minute. I feel like we are together and around each other so much these days that sometimes we just forget to be fun. I love him so much and the joking and laughing between us is one of the things I love most.

Grateful today

Today I am grateful for:

1. Getting up before the sun and the cool of a morning.

2. Being able to smile at people when I run because most of the time I'm out and about we are wearing masks.

3. A hot breakfast.

4. When my kids are excited to see me, even when I feel like I've been an awful mom all day.

5. Habits that I've formed that I don't even have to think about doing anymore.

6. Hannah's little voice and the way she forms her sentences.

7. Looking forward to things. I've been planning this last minute trip to St. George for a few weeks and it has had me so excited and I've loved researching new places to go eat, hike and see. I've been to St. George a million times but I do this whenever we go anywhere and I love having things to look forward to.

8. Warm summer nights spent in our backyard.

9. Moments where I'm recalling IN the moment. Where I'm sitting there and I see the beauty of the situation I'm in right there and I know it and recognize it. 

10. Clothes to wear. I have three baskets of laundry in my bedroom that I'm dreading to fold but I have to remind myself how blessed we are to have clothes to wear and then I'm hoping the gratitude will outweigh my dread to fold it.

be happy for no reason

“be happy, for no reason, like a child. if you’re happy for a reason, you’re in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you.” - deepak chopra

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. The day-to-day of life can sometimes feel so monotonous and even with all of my greatest blessings right in front of me, swarming around me all the live long day, I still often struggle to feel happy, to be happy. But I want to. I really do. I want to just be innately joyful, quick to smile, laugh, play. I think I always used to be a "glass-half-full" kind of person, but lately I've had a tendency to be a bit more quick on the draw with complaints, especially with Robert. The thought that there is a choice to be happy, just because you want to be, for no other reason than to just BE happy and with no strings attached, feels so liberating. That's my goal this week. To just ease into a smile when it may not feel natural, or to hold my tongue when I feel a complaint about to seep from my lips. Not today Satan! I am happy for no reason and that's the end of it!

The kids go back to school in a few weeks. It's hard to even believe summer is coming to an end. It feels like it's gone by in a blink and yet it's been our longest summer yet, with distance learning ending mid-May. The Adseros have been here all summer and it's felt like a dream to kind of quarantine with them. The kids have been in heaven. Most schools across the country are either doing distance learning or some hybrid of distance learning and in-person school for the first term as they carefully open because of COVID. Our school district was initially planning to go back full-time in-person but have now scaled back to two days a week in-person and three days distance learning so more social distancing can take place. I was actually considering homeschooling my girls because I was nervous about sending them into a packed classroom five days each week, so I am somewhat grateful for the change in plans. I'm not sure how working parents or single parents are ever going to be able to make that work. It's going to be bananas and I feel awful for them. I am grateful I'm able to be home with my kids so decisions like these are so much less taxing on our family and we can weather them a bit more easily.

Houston's COVID numbers are out of control, so they are all distance learning for awhile. Charlotte will stay here with her boys until after Eldon is baptized in early September and then they will head to their new home there, which they've never even seen in person before! I think this summer has been a major whirlwind for them and I'm so grateful they've had their cabin to come to amidst all of this, and that we've been able to be together so much. I'd love to be able to drive down there and quarantine with them this fall for a bit, but I'm not sure how realistic that will be. Robert is still working from home, which he's done since March. This new life we've been living now for the last four months is still so surreal. 2020 has thrown us so many curveballs and yet here we are, still standing with most of our sanity intact. 

The world feels heavy in so many ways right now, and it is hard to really justify feeling happy when everything feels so uncertain and so many people seem so angry. The government is a mess, the economy is a mess, there is so much racism, sexism, judgement, hate, cruelty and evil that it seems impossible to eradicate it all, to find happiness in a world filled with so much heaviness. But I want to feel light. I want to be light. I want to know those things are there, find ways to make positive changes in my little corner of the world, and in spite of it all, after going through it all, still feel happy. I'm going to try, really hard anyway, to do just that. And while doing so, I'm going to try and help my kids finish out this summer with a bang. We are heading down for a long (super HOT) weekend in St. George with the Adseros this upcoming weekend and I am so excited for a change of scene. We have been home pretty much all summer, besides a small stint in Idaho and a trip to the cabin. A little getaway will be a nice change.

sweet summer

This summer has been so different than any previous summer. No big vacations. No swimming lessons. No play dates with friends. It has felt a bit isolating and hard, but there have been so many sweet spots that have made up for the sour ones. Having the Adseros here for the majority of the summer has been magic. Being able to kind of quarantine with them, and with most of the Mecham family really, and to be able to be each other's social life has been so wonderful. We've had lots of mini adventures, but mostly a ton of dinners together while the kids run wild and free and the adults sit around and talk. Robert strung up patio lights on our back patio a few weeks ago and summer magic comes in full swing on the nights where we grill burgers and hot dogs in our backyard while the kids jump on the trampoline or play in the sandbox and then the rest of us end up talking late enough that the lights come on and we just relish each other's company in the warm of the summer night. This is what I always wanted for our home. I wanted it to be a place full of good food, a cozy place to sit and a place where people feel like they can sit and stay as long as they like. I have been in the "let's move" mode for some time now because I want to get off our busy street and have a bit more entertaining space inside, but on these slow summer evenings in our big backyard in the shade of our oak tree, I feel so grateful for what we have. I've said this a million times over, but things feel so strange right now. Hard, even. But there is still so much to be happy about. There is so much to enjoy. I am grateful.

loving myself + trusting myself

I think what I'm feeling today somewhat coincides with how I was feeling in my last post, about feeling sure. I have been listening to a book the last few days written by Glennon Doyle, called "Untamed." At first I hated it, mostly because I felt like she was terribly annoying and so much of what she was sharing about life and expectations of who she should be, who women in general should be, was ridiculous. I think I felt this way mostly because I am a Christian woman, and in so many ways I disagreed with her because I do believe women have a specific role to play in this life, in the lives of their children, and I don't think that expectation is bad, within reason. I am proud to be a stay-at-home mother, to believe in God, to sacrifice some of my desires to be home with my kids, to serve and to live the commandments. I have felt true happiness doing all of these things. At the same time, I do feel like I have lost myself in some of it too, and that part of it I do not like. That part of it needs to change.

I am married to a man who loves me for all that I am. Just me. I feel like he sees me for all that I am, for all that I am trying to be, and holds nothing against me. His love feels like the truest, most holy kind of love. He loves me for and in spite of all my annoying quirks, my bad moods and all the things that make me me, even the things that I don't like about myself. I have never felt like he has held any specific expectations for me, and I as time goes on, I realize what a gift that is. I am whole to him, complete, and nothing I do or say will change that. He is always asking me what I want, what he can do better to support me, and if I am happy. What more could you want in a partner? As I think about it, the expectations I feel held down by are almost all my own. The expectations I have created for myself come from what I feel like the world, the media, social media and just societal norms in general have held up for me and have told me to strive for. Even within the church, especially the social part of the church, I have felt expectations or limits that I do not believe God expects of me as a woman. As I was listening to the book today I had this sudden urge to just let those all crumble. I think I have forgotten to love myself. To honest-to-goodness just be ME. To feel things without thinking about how I SHOULD feel. What if everything else was just stripped away? What if I was all alone and no outside source could have any influence? How would I actually feel? What would I actually want to DO with my life? No more SHOULDS, just me asking myself what I really and truly want. I want to be unapologetically myself and I want my kids to be unapologetically themselves and I know them seeing me be true to myself will give them courage to fight to be who they want to be.

..........................

Three days later and I am now sitting down to come back to this.

In "Untamed," Doyle talks about this perfect woman that we all seem to hold in our minds as the person we should aspire to be, but in fact, this mystical, perfect being does not exist. And why would we want that anyway? What makes a perfect, poised person interesting? What do they have to contribute? It is in our flaws, in our seeking, in our striving, that we come closer to God. It is in all of that that we gain stories to tell. It is in our imperfections and in our striving to find what brings us joy, what we fight for each day, that creates our life. I feel like my writing is so rusty and I struggle to really make my points clear, but typing this today, helps me feel like in some way I am pushing through to find what I truly believe and who I honestly want to become.

Motherhood has not always been my strength, and sometimes I wonder if I hadn't felt like it was expected of me, if I would have chosen it. This path I've chosen always just felt like the path I was meant to choose, and I know now that it was because I was taught that it was the path I SHOULD choose. It was the RIGHT path. To be honest, even if that hadn't been seared into my heart since childhood, and even if I'd felt more free as a young adult to choose a different path, I think this would still be the path I would have chosen. I am still very much in the thick of it, but I think much of who I was meant to become could only happen after becoming a mother. Perhaps I wouldn't be a stay-at-home mom like I am right now, but deep down I know that who I was before this life needed to be a mom. And to be honest, I believe motherhood, and parenthood in general, is what it's all about. Even if I didn't believe in God, and even if I didn't believe in the Plan of Salvation, I feel like this life would not be fully experienced, that LOVE itself could not be fully experienced, without having children. And although I still don't agree with society's pressure for women to be any certain thing, I am grateful for the push I felt to become a mom because I know it's giving me a glimpse into who God is and into who he wants me to become.

All of this feels a lot like rambling, but it feels so good to write out. I have these racing thoughts in my mind all day, and to put them down feels freeing. Mostly, I just want to feel a closeness to myself and a closeness to God and I know I need to put in the effort to  do so. There have been times in my life where I've felt so sure of both who I am and in who God is, and somehow that gets away from me from time to time. I know it will take effort to get it back. Writing, for me, is an act of trying to find myself. Putting my words on a page and then re-reading them helps to solidify my heart and my deepest beliefs. I feel like my communication with God has been seriously lacking and I miss Him. I miss our time together. I want to make Him more of a priority. I need Him. My prayers have been casual, especially my morning prayers. My scripture study has also been casual. I am going to do better on both fronts. I am also going to spend more time being still and listening. I am also going to write things down when they come to me, because I know God speaks to me through thoughts. I've felt that many times over. It is a gift to know God, to communicate with Him, and in so doing, I come to know, trust and love myself and find a surety in who I am and in who I want to become.

feeling sure

Lately I feel like I've been questioning myself a lot. What do I think? Where do I stand on certain issues? What if I'm not right? What if there's a better way? And while all of these questions and wondering aren't completely bad, I also think I can overdo it to a point where I have no solid opinion, and any previously held beliefs feel faint and a bit distant. It is good to be flexible and changeable, but it is also essential to feel confident and sure of oneself. And that is where I want to be. What if I just felt sure? What if I just knew certain things? On my run this morning I started to mentally list out what things I felt sure of, and even if I didn't feel completely sure of them, I began to think about the power that would come into me if I just told myself I believed them until I actually did? Here are some things I thought of:

I have all the things at my disposal to be incredibly happy
I am powerful beyond measure
The world is full of good
I will know what I am supposed to do when I need to because God loves me and I can hear His will for me through the spirit
I am loved
My physical appearance doesn't matter
I am capable and smart
I am a good mom
I am a good wife
I am interesting
I have power to do good
I can do anything I put my mind to
Failure is ok, and I can put myself out there and try new things because I am not afraid to fail
I do not need to be anxious
I can change

I feel like many of these may be a bit selfish, but lately I have felt this need to really internally change a few things about myself so I can be a better mom, wife and friend. I want to believe all of these things because I think in doing so I will be able to instill them in my relationships, especially in my kids, and relationships, especially those I have with my kids, are what matter the very most to me. Hannah is in her crib kicking the wall, ready to get out of bed for the morning so I have to wrap this up, but I just want to try to believe these things this week and see what a difference it makes. I want to sit in surety. I want to sit in a feeling of knowing myself, and being confident in myself. I think in years past, especially in my late twenties, I went through a phase of a lot of confidence in who I was and what I know, and I think I still feel that, I just let myself forget occasionally, and I want to get back to sitting in surety.

today

The world feels really heavy right now and I feel the weight of it in my chest. I have been avoiding looking at the news because the heaviness can become crippling if I'm absorbed in my phone or the media too long. Summer has come in with full force and the hot heat feels like a wake up call to my skin to remind me that we are all still alive here in in our little family, that the our little piece of the world continues to spin in many of the same ways it has in the past, and that there is still times ahead to be enjoyed. The coronavirus (Covid-19) has changed the way we live for months now. We have seen very little of family, and now getting together is mostly done outside and we all kind of just avoid touching each other. I want to hug my mom! It has been confusing to my kids, but now they are getting used to it all, which makes me a little sad. Being physically distant from people does not come naturally to them, and I'm disheartened that this may be their new normal and that hugs and affection outside of our immediate family may not be an option for awhile. There have been riots across the country, and now also globally, as police treatment of black individuals continues to be appalling and the idea of white privilege and racism is coming under a very intense microscope. The riots have become violent and some people are claiming that outside individuals are coming in to intensify these riots, people who just want to make things chaotic and violent, not the people who are actually there for the real heart of the meaning behind it all. Our country feels so divided, both with how they view how governments are handling Covid-19 as well as all of the police brutality and prevalent racism. It all feels so, so big, and in some ways I just don't know what to think of it all. People are so extreme, and although I know I need to take the information I'm given, process it and then decipher what I truly think of it all, I'm feeling more and more inclined to just shut it all out altogether. I know that's not right, because there I need to be informed and I need to be an anchor for my own family so first, we can be safe, but also so that my kids will have some sense of what is going on but also feel secure in the fact that together we can work through it all and help others as we do so. That's what it all comes down to...how we can be the helpers. I'm still trying to figure that out in some ways (hence the need to be informed) but today I kind of just want to hide away from it all. Perhaps that is my white privilege speaking because I CAN hide away from it all. Robert is still employed, we can stay safe at home, we have plenty of food to eat, I'm not afraid of the police and I don't feel a need to riot for my life and for my family's life. I cannot help that I have white privilege. It is a fact. I was born with it. Just like black men and women cannot help that they were born black. I wish I could give them what I have. I want them to feel safe. I want them to feel accepted and loved and equal. They ARE by me. They are by my family. It all us doesn't feel fair and I hate it.