lots of feelings

I don't know what in the world is going on with me but I just feel heavy sometimes. Heavy and anxious and stressed and just overwhelmed at the most basic needs of my children. On the other hand, recently I have been feeling immense gratitude for life and the beauty of the simplest parts of it; the smell of my kids, a warm breeze, the seasons as summer fades and fall sneaks in. It feels funny to be both totally stressed and yet totally grateful all at once. I had some major gastrointestinal issues after William was born and I even went to a GI doctor because they were so intense. He diagnosed me as "stressed" and told me to go do some yoga and sent me on my way. I didn't have bowel issues following my visit. I think the stomach issues were giving me even more stomach issues as it all was just turning me into a ball of stress. I had some issues again after Hannah was born. The newborn stage and adjusting to the needs of yet another person always seem to do me in, but after a few months I felt really good and didn't have any issues. Within the last month they've flared up again, and I'm wondering if not having a kitchen as we remodel as well as getting back into the swing of school and extracurricular stuff is giving me heartburn. Sometimes I don't even know I'm stressed and then this stuff comes on and then I realize I've kind of been trying to sweep it all under the rug. In some ways it's good because it makes me slow down and really try to decipher what's going on, but in other ways it just makes it all worse. Anyhow, the last few nights I tried to not eat much after about 5 pm and it seemed to help. Nights are usually the worst. Sometimes I wake up with the most intense pain in my chest or in the top of my stomach and it is so bad that I sweat and can't sleep. I've tried high-knees and jumping jacks to try and get it to move, but to no avail. It usually just lasts a few hours and then fades in the morning and I've spent way too many hours out on the living room couch watching a dumb show because there's no way I can sleep in such pain. This all feels so silly and trivial to be writing down, but I feel like lately I've been doing so much consuming to try and kind of entertain myself and realized I've kind of neglected all the things I love, like writing and documenting and really digging deep into all the parts of my life I want to remember or just think about.

I am currently a little melancholy, is it hard to tell? Ha! I don't want to be, and I'm trying not to be, but sometimes it just feels good to write all this stuff out. I don't feel like I've been an especially loving and kind mother recently and I hate it, because that is honestly the most important thing to me in this world. My kids mean everything to me. Everything. When I think about them and the fact that they might remember me as this grumpy lady who was always bossing and nagging and raising her voice it makes me want to cry. I don't want to be that. If I'm honest with myself, I'm not usually like that. There are lots of hugs and kisses and snuggles and laughs that happen the majority of the time, but there's a good 15 or 20% that is the rough stuff and I just want to eliminate it altogether. I don't feel good about it and I'm sure they don't either. I think I can get there. Sometimes it feels like I'm doing better and then I have a really bad day and it's hard to get back up on the horse again. But I try, and I'm going to keep trying forever because they are my little hunnies and I love them an extraordinary amount.

Robert and I have been a bit like two ships passing in the night. He hates that phrase so I try to use it often. Ha! But honestly, I feel like we kind of just trade off taking kids where they need to go or taking turns running errands or whatnot, especially with this whole kitchen remodel. Have I said how excited I am for this new kitchen? Like it's going to be amazing, but not having a kitchen for over a month has been totally terrible. Our house has been in shambles. I think feeling like every inch of every surface is covered in dust and nothing is where it normally is and I have to wash any dishes we use in the bathroom sink is about to do me in. (Insert heartburn here). I feel a little disconnected from everyone when I feel like my life is a little out of control, and boy does it feel out of control. I miss Robert and I really need to make more of an effort to show him my love and be affectionate. Have and then nursing a baby has really done a number on my labido and it is breaking both of our hearts. I miss feeling physically interested. I honestly feel like a blah...lacking passion for pretty much anything. Hopefully I'll get over this soon. Oy! What a depressing entry. I just figured I needed to get this all out in a quick way in a place where no one will probably ever see it in hopes that having it out will then help me move onward and upward. Countertops and appliances will be installed in a week and I could not be more excited. The end is in sight!! I am loving the weather right now. Life really is so wonderful and there is so much to look forward to. God is good and I am grateful every day to Him for this life he's given me.