today

The world feels really heavy right now and I feel the weight of it in my chest. I have been avoiding looking at the news because the heaviness can become crippling if I'm absorbed in my phone or the media too long. Summer has come in with full force and the hot heat feels like a wake up call to my skin to remind me that we are all still alive here in in our little family, that the our little piece of the world continues to spin in many of the same ways it has in the past, and that there is still times ahead to be enjoyed. The coronavirus (Covid-19) has changed the way we live for months now. We have seen very little of family, and now getting together is mostly done outside and we all kind of just avoid touching each other. I want to hug my mom! It has been confusing to my kids, but now they are getting used to it all, which makes me a little sad. Being physically distant from people does not come naturally to them, and I'm disheartened that this may be their new normal and that hugs and affection outside of our immediate family may not be an option for awhile. There have been riots across the country, and now also globally, as police treatment of black individuals continues to be appalling and the idea of white privilege and racism is coming under a very intense microscope. The riots have become violent and some people are claiming that outside individuals are coming in to intensify these riots, people who just want to make things chaotic and violent, not the people who are actually there for the real heart of the meaning behind it all. Our country feels so divided, both with how they view how governments are handling Covid-19 as well as all of the police brutality and prevalent racism. It all feels so, so big, and in some ways I just don't know what to think of it all. People are so extreme, and although I know I need to take the information I'm given, process it and then decipher what I truly think of it all, I'm feeling more and more inclined to just shut it all out altogether. I know that's not right, because there I need to be informed and I need to be an anchor for my own family so first, we can be safe, but also so that my kids will have some sense of what is going on but also feel secure in the fact that together we can work through it all and help others as we do so. That's what it all comes down to...how we can be the helpers. I'm still trying to figure that out in some ways (hence the need to be informed) but today I kind of just want to hide away from it all. Perhaps that is my white privilege speaking because I CAN hide away from it all. Robert is still employed, we can stay safe at home, we have plenty of food to eat, I'm not afraid of the police and I don't feel a need to riot for my life and for my family's life. I cannot help that I have white privilege. It is a fact. I was born with it. Just like black men and women cannot help that they were born black. I wish I could give them what I have. I want them to feel safe. I want them to feel accepted and loved and equal. They ARE by me. They are by my family. It all us doesn't feel fair and I hate it.