I think what I'm feeling today somewhat coincides with how I was feeling in my last post, about feeling sure. I have been listening to a book the last few days written by Glennon Doyle, called "Untamed." At first I hated it, mostly because I felt like she was terribly annoying and so much of what she was sharing about life and expectations of who she should be, who women in general should be, was ridiculous. I think I felt this way mostly because I am a Christian woman, and in so many ways I disagreed with her because I do believe women have a specific role to play in this life, in the lives of their children, and I don't think that expectation is bad, within reason. I am proud to be a stay-at-home mother, to believe in God, to sacrifice some of my desires to be home with my kids, to serve and to live the commandments. I have felt true happiness doing all of these things. At the same time, I do feel like I have lost myself in some of it too, and that part of it I do not like. That part of it needs to change.
I am married to a man who loves me for all that I am. Just me. I feel like he sees me for all that I am, for all that I am trying to be, and holds nothing against me. His love feels like the truest, most holy kind of love. He loves me for and in spite of all my annoying quirks, my bad moods and all the things that make me me, even the things that I don't like about myself. I have never felt like he has held any specific expectations for me, and I as time goes on, I realize what a gift that is. I am whole to him, complete, and nothing I do or say will change that. He is always asking me what I want, what he can do better to support me, and if I am happy. What more could you want in a partner? As I think about it, the expectations I feel held down by are almost all my own. The expectations I have created for myself come from what I feel like the world, the media, social media and just societal norms in general have held up for me and have told me to strive for. Even within the church, especially the social part of the church, I have felt expectations or limits that I do not believe God expects of me as a woman. As I was listening to the book today I had this sudden urge to just let those all crumble. I think I have forgotten to love myself. To honest-to-goodness just be ME. To feel things without thinking about how I SHOULD feel. What if everything else was just stripped away? What if I was all alone and no outside source could have any influence? How would I actually feel? What would I actually want to DO with my life? No more SHOULDS, just me asking myself what I really and truly want. I want to be unapologetically myself and I want my kids to be unapologetically themselves and I know them seeing me be true to myself will give them courage to fight to be who they want to be.
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Three days later and I am now sitting down to come back to this.
In "Untamed," Doyle talks about this perfect woman that we all seem to hold in our minds as the person we should aspire to be, but in fact, this mystical, perfect being does not exist. And why would we want that anyway? What makes a perfect, poised person interesting? What do they have to contribute? It is in our flaws, in our seeking, in our striving, that we come closer to God. It is in all of that that we gain stories to tell. It is in our imperfections and in our striving to find what brings us joy, what we fight for each day, that creates our life. I feel like my writing is so rusty and I struggle to really make my points clear, but typing this today, helps me feel like in some way I am pushing through to find what I truly believe and who I honestly want to become.
Motherhood has not always been my strength, and sometimes I wonder if I hadn't felt like it was expected of me, if I would have chosen it. This path I've chosen always just felt like the path I was meant to choose, and I know now that it was because I was taught that it was the path I SHOULD choose. It was the RIGHT path. To be honest, even if that hadn't been seared into my heart since childhood, and even if I'd felt more free as a young adult to choose a different path, I think this would still be the path I would have chosen. I am still very much in the thick of it, but I think much of who I was meant to become could only happen after becoming a mother. Perhaps I wouldn't be a stay-at-home mom like I am right now, but deep down I know that who I was before this life needed to be a mom. And to be honest, I believe motherhood, and parenthood in general, is what it's all about. Even if I didn't believe in God, and even if I didn't believe in the Plan of Salvation, I feel like this life would not be fully experienced, that LOVE itself could not be fully experienced, without having children. And although I still don't agree with society's pressure for women to be any certain thing, I am grateful for the push I felt to become a mom because I know it's giving me a glimpse into who God is and into who he wants me to become.
All of this feels a lot like rambling, but it feels so good to write out. I have these racing thoughts in my mind all day, and to put them down feels freeing. Mostly, I just want to feel a closeness to myself and a closeness to God and I know I need to put in the effort to do so. There have been times in my life where I've felt so sure of both who I am and in who God is, and somehow that gets away from me from time to time. I know it will take effort to get it back. Writing, for me, is an act of trying to find myself. Putting my words on a page and then re-reading them helps to solidify my heart and my deepest beliefs. I feel like my communication with God has been seriously lacking and I miss Him. I miss our time together. I want to make Him more of a priority. I need Him. My prayers have been casual, especially my morning prayers. My scripture study has also been casual. I am going to do better on both fronts. I am also going to spend more time being still and listening. I am also going to write things down when they come to me, because I know God speaks to me through thoughts. I've felt that many times over. It is a gift to know God, to communicate with Him, and in so doing, I come to know, trust and love myself and find a surety in who I am and in who I want to become.
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