Sunday morning

I am sitting outside on the back patio in the cool of a Sunday morning (it's going to be over 100 degrees today) and William is here beside me in his Spiderman jammies chowing down on a big bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Frosted Flakes mixed together. I love watching him eat and the little facial expressions he makes with his cute chubby cheeks as he chews. He is seriously the funniest, always barking orders in his raspy voice and asking the funniest questions. His feet are crossed as his legs dangle off the patio chair and he's breathing heavily because I'm sure he has a couple big boogs (like always) stuck up there. I love him so dang much.

I have struggled a bit on Sundays lately with home church. It has been really challenging to really feel the spirit and I know it's my fault. I miss going to church and being fed. I love being able to have sacrament in our home while we can't attend church regularly, but at the same time it's hard to be the one having to provide the spiritual experiences. I know whatever the situation, I am the one who decides if I will feel the spirit and so really, even if we actually go to church, I choose to have a spiritual experience or not, but it seems to be harder for me at home for some reason. I'm trying, and yet I know I need to try harder. My relationship with God is not as strong as it should be. I miss it. There have been times in my life where I've felt incredibly close to Him, where I feel very in tune with His love for me and what He wants me to do. I don't think I have been making enough of an effort recently to feel as close to Him. It is my doing, and I am going to try harder. Better morning prayers. Better scripture study. More time spent in quiet to try to truly hear Him.

Every time we are on vacation somewhere I usually try to find a mountain or a trail of some sort to run. And every time I reach the top or an incredibly overlook, I take me headphones out, stand there, close my eyes and say a prayer, mostly in gratitude for my body, my mind, my life and for the beauty of it all. In those moments I feel SO close to Him. I feel a profound sense of His love for me and of my worth and His child. I feel immensely grounded in those moments. I want to feel that certainty and that love always, but even if I get it here and there on those runs, I am so grateful for those moments to reflect back on and again feel that certainty that often feels far away. My headphones were dead yesterday when I got up to go on my run (I love running listening to a book or podcast because it keeps my head engaged as I go) but when they weren't charged I decided to go without them, for the first time in a long time. It felt good to just be in my own head and think. I forget how much listening to something really directs my thoughts for the morning and really, for the day. That has often been a good thing because I'm listening to things that I love that are helping me change my habits, but I also think sometimes the quiet is what I need to allow God to really speak to me. I have heard Him so clearly in my thoughts sometimes and I want to lean into those thoughts a bit more. Often is a quick little blip that passes through my mind and I want to really try this week to hold onto those and then record them in the notes in my phone or something and then try and decide how best to implement them into my day or week.