summer is upon us

 It is 5 pm as I sit here in our beautifully renovated kitchen and the breeze is blowing through the open window over the sink and I can hear all the little kids playing in the backyard. This all feels pretty idyllic and I keep having to pinch myself that we found this place at the time that we did. My kids are so happy. Friends abound, the yard is huge, and school is coming to an end. Being fenceless gives me a bit of anxiety as I'm sure Hannah will be scooped up by some predator at any moment (insert eye roll), because I am just that crazy helicopter mom that I can't help but be. It's just who I am. But I'm trying to be better and give a little slack in the reins when it comes to my kids, but it ain't easy for this mama bear.

Robert and I have a tendency to just sit at the dinner table after the kids have all scattered off to the backyard to sit and chat, and lately...dream. On a whim Robert asked me what I thought about going to Costa Rica for a month as a family. My adventure-loving heart gave a solid yes, but I was a bit trepidatious for two reasons: our yard/house and Covid. Getting there shouldn't be too bad and Robert and I have both been vaccinated so I'm not too concerned about contracting it, but I'm mostly nervous about the negative test we have to get before we return to the U.S. We may actually get stuck there for the whole summer, which wouldn't be the worst thing, but the Adseros come in July and I'd be so sad to miss them. In any case, after lots of thought after that conversation we bit the bullet and bought tickets!!! We are going to Costa Rica for a MONTH! We leave June 5 and return July 3. The one caveat is that Hannah needed a passport so we quickly applied for one, but even with expediting it we may be cutting it close. I'm praying and crossing all my fingers and toes it's here before June 5! Luckily, because of Covid, Costa Rica requires we buy trip insurance, so even if we have to change things around a bit, hopefully we won't be out too much money. I am looking forward to this trip so much! I think it is going to be so magical for our family. I mean, hello, there are going to be one million fights and so many bumps along the way, but I can't wait for all the adventures and moments we will have together!

And with all that being said, I, Laura Ann Mecham Collard, have not been the person I want to be lately. I am a grump. I am no fun and honestly, I feel like I've kind of lost sight of who I am and who I want to be for my kids. I think I have become a bit self-centered, and part of that comes from really caring about my diet and exercise too much, I think. I decided to do a bit of a "cut", and every time I do this I feel like I focus so much on what food I'm going to eat next or how I'm going to get my workout in that I can't really be totally present (or pleasant) in my life. I love feeling good and I love feeling fit, and I know there is a healthy balance and I'm determined to find it. I cannot be like this in Costa Rica. In fact, my goal for Costa Rica, and really starting right now, is to be the fun, happy, silly and affectionate mom (and wife) that I long to be. I want to be present. I want to be in the moments. I am so grateful for my body and all that it allows me to do. It is such a gift and I have a deep belief that I am absolutely perfect just as I am. My kids don't care what size I am or what I look like. They just need ME. The best and happiest version of me. And I can give them that. And I want to give myself that. Sometimes I feel trapped in my own life, meeting so many needs and feeling so depleted. Having goals, both aesthetic and otherwise, help me feel excited and valued in a different way than motherhood does. But when the pendulum swings too far in one direction, I lose some of the parts of me that I love. Yet here I am, ready to love my body for all that it is, in any condition it comes, but at the same time ready to take care of it while ALSO being myself and enjoying life and being available and happy for my people. It is a balance I want to find so desperately, and I'm hoping this summer I will find it in the way that feels good and right and lasting. Does this make any sense? I've just been typing and typing and not reading a bit of my writing, but it feels so good to put my fingers on these keys and say whatever is in my heart. I have really neglected my journal and writing in general and it is such a part of who I am. Do I say this every time? That I miss writing when I don't do it? Because I do. I really do.

I love the idea that we control our thoughts, and that in being able to control our thoughts, we also control our feelings. I have, at any given moment, any feeling I want to feel in the thoughts I choose to think. I think lately I have let negative thoughts swirl around deeply in my heart and as they surface again and again the resentful and angry part of me snaps a bit and I become the mom and wife I really don't want to be. But I want to choose the good thoughts. I want to remember that this is the life I chose and this is STILL the life I would choose over and over. If I quit it all, I would immediately want it all back. I feel grateful to be able to cook meals for my family, to live in and clean this beautiful home, to do loads and loads of laundry each week for these people I love. I think the way we frame the way we see our life makes all the difference. I also believe that I have the power to make the mundane fun, and I'm going to keep trying. Every. Single. Day. Because this is my one wild and precious life and it is in all of these seemingly insignificant moments that life is made. I am living it now, sitting at this kitchen island, listening to Hannah read to herself. It is a gift, and I'm going to try to see it that way and to find the magic in the small things.

It is Friday and Robert and I are going to get sushi tonight and likely watch a bit of Survivor. I can't quit that show, man. The kids will likely all request late nights with their friends and Saturday will be busy with a million things in the yard and a t-ball game for Will and grocery shopping but it will be glorious and simple and just the way it should be. What a gift this simple life is!